And the Oscar goes to...

I know many of you were on the edge of your seat during last night's Oscar telecast.

Would Susan Sarandon fall out of her dress?

Would Billy Crystal catch her/them?

Would Jim Carey pass through the digestive track of Blake Edwards to announce the "Best Performance by an Asshole" award?

Would Tom Cruise or John Travolta triumph in the first annual Scientologist Pose Down?

Would Oprah snap Nicole Kidman like a twig over her outstretched thigh and then dare the L.A. Attorney General to prosecute?

Would New Zealand phone in to thank anyone back?

Would Sean Penn's hair be arrested for aiding and abetting the enemy or just public indecency?

These were the burning questions on everyone's mind.

But the dominant question of the night was whether Lord of the Rings (either the third installment or the trilogy) would go down in film history as the greatest cinematic achievement of all-time.

Nothing says "success" or "history" like a phallic gold statue of a naked man holding his sword. Would Oscar shine his lovelight on Frodo?

I'm sure many of you were disappointed that LOTR received a paltry 11 Oscars, tying it with (gasp) Titanic.

But fear not, this outrage was short-lived. The Academy has announced that it has given a special Oscar to Peter Jackson in the category of "Most Unkempt and Rotund Director" This special Oscar was presented by his dear friend and the
only former recipient of the award, Francis Ford Coppolla.

Messers Jackson and Coppolla then proceeded to eat Sophia Coppolla, "Best Original Screenplay" Oscar and all.

That's all from the red carpet of the Kojak...er...Kodak Theatre.

Who Loves Ya Baby

What was your favorite moment of the night, not counting doing lines at the Governor's Ball?