Why We Need Standards (The C3W)

Okay, I admit I hate Christmas. I'm Jewish, and I could really do without the holiday traffic. Okay, I'm lying. I work at home and the traffic doesn't affect me much. The thing I really hate about Christmas, especially this year, is that businesses shut down around noon on December 21st. Verizon told me they couldn't change my phone service until January 2nd. No one needs that much egg nog do they?



This blog entry is my little protest against all this family time. But there's nothing like the holidays to inspire fellowship with our brethren and sistren (and I don't mean "The Fellowship of the Ring"). Can't something good come out of this horrific holiday? I'm here today to call for a new standards committee where people of all races, colors, and creeds can come together to agree on one thing. We need to standardize holiday chocolates!



I propose that the Chocolate Confectioners Consortium Wonkabus (C3W) come up with a standard format for boxed chocolates. No more wondering if the round ones are full of caramel nougat, chewy coconut, or that bad raspberry cream feared by chocophiles everywhere. No more wondering if the hump-shaped rectangles hold chocolate mousse or cherry liquer. Sure, some chocolatiers include a diagram on the box to help guide you to the hidden treasures, but no one reads documentation!



You might ask why vendors don't simply make all the chocolates delicious. Think fool. The landmines are the only thing preventing us from inhaling the entire box in one sitting. Furthermore, picking the good ones gives us the chance to feel superior over those sots who choose wrongly. Think of it as a high-calorie version of Russian roulette.



I know some among us would ban everything that is not pure chocolate. I say we need to make a place at the table for chocolate covered pretzels, raisinettes, and even goobers. But for god's sake, let's stop the insanity. Standardize boxed chocolates now, for Valentine's Day is right around the corner!



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Which chocolate fillings would you like to see banned?